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This last week I had three confrontational conversations.
THREE.
As someone who typically loathes conflict and avoids it at all costs, this felt truly insane.
Usually, my go-to response is to freeze in the moment and then imagine all the ways I should have popped off while driving home (not the most productive approach). However, this past week I got a crash course in confrontation and I learned a valuable lesson: when done well, confrontation is a gift.
It can lead to greater intimacy.
For example, I recently mentioned my wrestle with the question, "What is the good life?" While a life of ease might immediately come to mind, several studies found that it actually comes down to having “safe, deep, and intimate” relationships with others.
But how do we cultivate and maintain these types of relationships? Especially in a world as increasingly disconnected and divisive as ours?
Turns out, through learning how to navigate conflict well.
“When two people walk together in relationship, it is never a question of whether or not they will experience conflict. They will. The question is whether they will know what is at stake when conflict happens. The thing at stake is the health of the relational connection” (Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk).
The health of a relationship is both tested and strengthened through confrontation.
For example, I was recently hanging out with a friend when she brought up a tough topic. As we talked, I could tell we weren’t reaching each other and the conversation ended in a weird place. On the drive home, I replayed the discussion, thinking of all the things I should have said or questions I could have asked. While I was still processing, she called me and said, "That ended really weird. I'm sorry. I really care about you, and I just wanted to clarify where I was coming from." Immediately, I felt relieved. Her intentionality and vulnerability paved the way for greater intimacy between us. We left that second conversation more on the same page.
In their new book, Fight Right, John and Julie Gottman share that,
“The purpose of conflict is mutual understanding.”
Even if we disagree, the ultimate goal in conflict is to gain a deeper understanding of the other person and strengthen our connection.
This usually happens when we approach confrontation from a place of vulnerability.
Brené Brown describes vulnerability as,
"Uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure…The courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it's about the courage to show up when you can't predict or control the outcome” (Dare To Lead).
Telling another person, “this is how I honestly feel about X” takes a lot of courage. We aren’t sure how they will react. We risk rejection in the hopes that there is greater connection and understanding down the road.
When confrontation is based in vulnerability, (aka “this is how I feel”), there is a greater chance of connection on the other side.
Of course, this is not always the case.
“Conflict becomes dangerously ugly when we react out of fear and pain…Only a respectful conversation is going to be productive in resolving a conflict…And the goal of a respectful conversation is to strengthen your relational connection… (Keep Your Love On).
As we continue to learn how to confront from a place of vulnerability, respect and curiosity, we strengthen our relational connections. Over time, this leads to greater intimacy.
And greater intimacy is what we are after. Not only with others but with ourselves and the Lord.
By learning to be honest about our feelings and having the courage to share them, we foster deeper relationships. We come to appreciate the gift of confrontation when it is approached with the aim of achieving greater mutual understanding.
While I’m still reeling from my crash course this last week, I am grateful for those who were brave and vulnerable enough to bring up difficult topics, knowing that greater intimacy awaited on the other side.
For those that want to spend a little more time with this, create some space to sit with these questions:
The Boone Center at Pepperdine created a relational paradigm to help us understand our conflict styles better. Which of these do you relate to the most?
The Yielder: This person is willing to set aside their own ideas and desires for the sake of others. However, they may become passive-aggressive and develop a strong need to be liked.
The Withdrawer: By stepping away from conflict, this person has time to calm down and reflect. However, this can also lead to avoidance of the problem or establish a pattern of evasion.
The Compromiser: This individual excels at listening and prioritizes resolving conflicts. However, they often seek respect over truth and may compromise their own desires.
The Winner: This person quickly addresses issues and communicates efficiently. However, they may have a success-driven attitude and misunderstand others’ motives or intentions.
Which of these four stands out the most?
Spend some time with the Lord and ask: “Where did I learn this conflict style? How has it served me? How has it hindered deeper relationships? What do you have to say about my approach? Is there a better way I can move forward in conflict?”
The Gottmans developed a method to aid us in navigating conflict, known as the X,Y,Z statement. For example, “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” “When you cut me off while in the midst of the meeting, I feel disrespected.”
Next time you’re in a confrontation, try framing your thought with this approach and see how it lands.
Relationship expert Esther Perel says,
Conflict is intrinsic to all relationships. The presence of bickering or disagreements doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t good, or that it isn’t worth it. Often, it’s an alarm. Your relationship needs attention.
Is there a relationship in your life that need attention? Are there any alarm bells going off? What do you feel like this relationship needs? Ask the Lord if there is anything He wants to share about this specific relationship and how to move forward.
As always, I would love to hear from you. What came up for you during this time? Comment below or message me!
Housekeeping
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