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"Whoa… you good? What’s going on?" Jon asked a few nights ago as we were getting ready for bed.
I was in a foul mood and not making any attempt to hide it. I started listing the day's frustrations when, out of nowhere, I started crying about not having enough time to read.
Honestly, I was just as surprised as he was. Of all things, why was that what pushed me over the edge? I went to bed asking myself, "why was I having such a strong reaction to something so minor?"
It turns out, it had something to do with my core values and I didn’t even realize it.
We all live by a core set of values, whether consciously or not. Last week, I talked about self-compassion and how embracing our shared humanity can help. According to Dr. Karen Bluth, one of the main things that unites us all is core values— we all have them.
“Core values are the things that we believe in, are meaningful to us, and that guide us around how we want to live our lives. They live deep inside our core and are basic to who we are as people. In order to be self-compassionate, we have to know what our core values are. That way, when we are stuck and confused about a decision we have to make, we can come back to them.”
Being able to name what our core values are is crucial, but even more important is being able to align our daily actions with them. In order to do this, we need to understand the difference between our explicit and implicit values and the gap between them.
Bridging that gap strengthens our integrity, ensuring that how we live reflects what matters most to us. As we close that space, we move toward a life that is more aligned and authentic.
Explicit values are the beliefs we outwardly express, like the ones we put on a website or on a decorative sign in our home.
Implicit values, on the other hand, are the ones we act out of subconsciously. For instance, I might claim to value honesty or clarity, but if I become passive-aggressive or avoidant in a confrontation, it suggests that I actually prioritize superficial harmony or people-pleasing over honesty.
Explicit values represent our aspirations, while implicit values reflect what we actually practice. In essence, they highlight the difference between what we say and what we do. Most of us live somewhere in the gap between these two sets of values, balancing who we are and who we hope to become.
If someone were to ask you right now about your core values, chances are you could list a few - things like authenticity, growth, ambition, generosity, or love. But our implicit values? Those are a little harder to name. Because they are more subconscious, they often guide our decisions and actions without us even realizing it.
One of the best ways we can discover what our implicit values are is to take stock of where we put our time.
“We make time for what we truly value.” (John Mark Comer)
For example, I might claim to value intentionality or diligence, but if I spend all my free time scrolling after work to unwind, my actions may actually reflect an implicit value of comfort or numbing or short-term relief.
This gap between my stated and lived values is evident in how I use my time.
One of the best ways we can identify our implicit values is by noticing what I get frustrated about not having enough time for.
If I consistently go to bed frustrated about not having enough time to hike, write, create art, catch up with friends, make it to intramural soccer practice, or read before bed, that frustration hints at my true, implicit values.
How we spend our time, and what we wish we had more time for, is a great indicator of these underlying values.
And oftentimes they may surprise us. Or we might get frustrated with ourselves about our frustration. "Why am I crying over not being able to read or watch my show? That's a dumb thing to be upset about." When this is the case, it's usually never about the activity itself but the underlying value. It's not about the reading, it's really about valuing free time, learning, leisure or rest.
While our implicit values may not always align with our explicit ones, that's okay. The first step is simply recognizing the gap between what we say we value and how we use our time.
The next step is to bring it before the Lord. As we confess, "I got frustrated about ______, can you help me understand why?" And listen for His response, we can begin to understand more of what we truly value. When we do, we can work with Him to bridge the gap between where we are now and where we hope to go.
The other night when I went to bed in a bad mood, I asked the Lord why I was so frustrated about not being able to read that day. He kindly responded with, "because you love to learn in that way. Making some more time for that would be good."
I’m thankful for a God that not only cares about the gap but shows me how to bridge it.
Can you name some of your explicit core values? Can you list your top 10 or top 5? If you’re having trouble with this, use a worksheet like this one to help you. Start by selecting your top 30 values, then from that new list narrow it down to 20, then 10, and finally, 5.
Are you able to name some of your implicit values? What do you get frustrated about not having enough time for? Where do you spend the majority of your time? A time audit can help with this. Using an app like this one, spend 5 days tracking how you spend your time - everything from how long it takes to eat breakfast, answer emails, or watch TV. At the end of the 5 days, notice any patterns. What surprised you?
Another way we can help bridge the gap between our implicit and explicit values is by asking those closest to us what they think our core values are. Ask your family, friends, community, co-workers, or leaders about what they perceive your values to be. They may notice things you might not see yourself.
Spend some time with the Lord and ask Him, “what are some of my core values you want to highlight? Where did I learn those? What are some of your core values? How can I align mine more with Yours?””
As always, I would love to hear from you! Comment below or message me with your thoughts on all of this. What are some of your core values?
Housekeeping
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