Why do we avoid time with God?
Laying it all out there
Hi! Welcome to An Unraveling! If you are new here, check out some previous posts like this or this or learn more here. Follow along and let’s be friends IRL.
A few days ago, I skipped my usual morning hang with Jesus.
If you were to have asked me why in the moment, I would’ve told you I had a really busy day ahead, with various tasks demanding my attention. But if you were to have pressed me a little further, I would’ve then confessed that I simply didn’t want to spend time with Him. There were other things I wanted to do.
Still, those reasons were only half the truth. The real reason I skipped out was because, deep down, I felt like He was disappointed in me. I didn’t want to sit through what I imagined would be a lecture at 7 AM. I felt like I hadn’t done enough in the past few days and was certain that if I sat with Him, all I would hear was a “get your act together, you’re better than this” type of talk.
In other words, I skipped out because of shame.
Last week, I emphasized the importance of vulnerability, honesty, and confrontation—and I still do. But we can’t dive into those topics, or discuss deepening our relationships with God, ourselves, and others, without mentioning shame.
When we’re honest, shame is almost always at the root of our avoidance of God.
In their book, Why Emotions Matter, Tristen and Jonathan Collins say that,
“Shame is the check engine light of the soul. It signals that your identity is being threatened.”
Or, as my girl Brene Brown says in I Thought It Was Just Me, shame is,
“the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance or belonging.”
Alongside physical symptoms (like a stomach drop, fast heart beat, warm face, slumped shoulders, or avoiding eye contact), one of the biggest clues that we are currently operating from a place of shame is when we pull back from relationships - we avoid relational intimacy. Especially when it comes to our relationship with God.
I’ve learned that anytime I start avoiding God, chances are shame is at the root. I know because I start “shoulding” myself.
“I should be praying more, I should be telling more people about God, I should be listening to Hillsong instead of Kendrick, etc.”
Most of the time, when we catch ourselves using the word “should,” it leads back to a deeper root of shame.
Typically, I want to spend time with God; our relationship has reached a point where I genuinely look forward to it. So when I start using my schedule as an excuse to hide or avoid, I know something’s up.
Anytime we feel shame, our immediate reflex will be to try and hide in some way.
We see this pattern repeatedly in the Bible—like when Adam and Eve hid from God in the Garden (Genesis 3) or when David tried to conceal his actions with Bathsheba from others (2 Samuel 11).
“Shame makes us want to hide ourselves. It makes us feel like we have a dark side that no one sees and we believe that no one would love us if they knew the truth. For this reason, shame leads to isolation.” (Collins)
However, the only way we can begin to overcome shame is to expose it to empathy and compassion—to defy our natural instinct to hide and conceal.
We can do so by talking about it with God and with others. We can bring it to the light.
“Sharing our shame with someone else is one of the most vulnerable things we can do. It’s the exact opposite of our natural reaction to hide from others when we feel shame.” (Collins)
When we are deep in the thralls of shame, usually the last person we want to go to is God. We are afraid that we will be met with a disappointing gaze or a look of disgust or a voice of hurt whispering, “how could you?” In other words, going to the Lord with our pain feels unsafe.
But He is actually the safest place we can go to.
When God first introduces His character in Exodus 34, the very first word He uses to describe Himself is "compassionate."
“I am a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness…”
That means His first instinct, His default, is compassion - not anger, disappointment, wrath or impatience.
While there may be conviction, that is not the same as condemnation. His natural first response to our shame is steeped in love, patience, gentleness and empathy.
He knows how hard it is to be human. He isn’t surprised by our shame, frustration, anger, or doubt. He only asks that we take it to Him and get honest. There, He can meet us with love yet again.
The other day, after avoiding Him with busyness, I finally reached a point where I came out of hiding. Vulnerably, I brought Him everything that was on my heart. I laid it all out there - word vomiting onto a Notes page in my phone. I told Him how sad I was, how scared and disappointed I felt, how confused I was by various different circumstances. I exposed it at all.
And do you want to know what His response was?
Kindness. Gentleness. Empathy. Compassion. Patience. Not a hint of anger or a whiff of a lecture.
He proved, yet again, that He is the safest place I can go, even in the midst of doubt, rage and heartbreak.
So the next time I am tempted to avoid or hide because of shame, I will try to remember this and instead, tell Him all that is on my mind - as risky as it may feel.
Because when we vulnerably risk exposure like this, we create space for greater connection and intimacy.
In the book, Why Emotions Matter, the authors outline steps for how we can start sharing our shame with both Him and others and expose it to empathy.
Name it
Summon courage. We say no to our natural instinct to run and hide.
Step outside yourself. Look at the situation objectively. What would you say to a little child?
Share your shame with God. Get honest. Get vulnerable. Lay it all out there.
Share your shame with empathetic others. Find a safe friend, partner, family member or therapist. Expose it to empathy.
The next time you catch yourself avoiding God, for any reason, pause and ask yourself if there is a root of shame in any way. If there is, what would it look like to follow these steps? To bravely and vulnerably bring it to God and share it with others?
A.W. Tozer writes in The Knowledge of the Holy,
"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."
The next time you find yourself in a place of shame, pause and picture God.
What does He look like? What is He doing? How is He relating to you in this moment? How does this make you feel?
Take a deep breath. Ask the Holy Spirit, “can you bring to mind and show me a more accurate picture of God? What is He like? How does He relate to me?” Chances are this picture will look a bit different from the first.
When we experience shame, what we're really feeling is an unwanted identity. The next time you feel shame, take a moment to pause and reflect:
I dont want to be perceived as…
What does this perception mean to me?
Why is it so unwanted?
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
As we do this, there is an invitation to bring this unwanted identity to Jesus and ask for His truth. We can repent for believing it and then ask Him, “what identity do you want to exchange this for? Who do you say that I am in this moment?”
Don’t be a stranger! I would love to hear from you. Comment below or message me, I would love to hear what came up for you during this time.
Housekeeping
ℹ️ Read more about An Unraveling here.
⭐️ You can expect weekly posts delivered straight to your inbox on Sunday mornings when you subscribe.
💲 By upgrading to a paid subscription, you'll gain access to additional perks such as guest essays, interviews, and the Monthly Resource Roundup.
💌 I would love to hear from you! Use the comment feature at the bottom of this page or reply via email to start a conversation.
🗣 If somebody comes to mind as you read this, feel free to share!
🎨 Art by @jordanklancaster.
So good! Thanks for this, so much freedom in these words! 🔥