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What does it mean to wrestle with God?
The other week I went to the dentist for not one but three cavities.
Growing up, I took a small amount of pride in the fact that I never got cavities. While my parents and brothers had holes drilled into their teeth, I lounged in the lobby, smugly staring at my photo on wall of the “No Cavity Club” while sucking on a sugar free lollipop.
However, in the last two years I have had a total of six cavities, including these three. I blame the LA water (jokes, but not really).
So there I was, at 9 am sharp, arms crossed and sitting in the foyer of my new dentist’s office watching WWE Smackdown.
Yes, WWE. Can someone please tell me WHY this was playing at maximum volume on a giant screen so early in the morning? And because of how loud and obnoxious it was, I couldn’t look away. For the first time in my life, I watched the drama unfold in the ring and it was…truly awful. But right when the Smackdown winner was about to be announced, I was called to the back.
An hour later I emerged grumpy and puffy cheeked, still asking myself why a dentist’s office would choose to air fake wrestling all day. And since my mouth was completely numb, I didn’t get a chance to ask.
A few days after this painful visit, I had a friend ask me how God and I were doing. She asked, “what is the one word you would use to describe your relationship with the Lord right now?” Without hesitating I responded with, “wrestle.”
At first she was a little confused. Wrestle? That sounds exhausting at best and abusive at worst.
A lot of times when I tell people I am currently wrestling with God, I think they picture some version of a WWE Smackdown. In actuality, it’s a lot gentler than that.
For me, wrestling with God just means getting really honest with Him - about my heartbreaks, fears, anger, and losses.
When I started explaining this more to my friend, I could tell she wasn’t fully tracking. Growing up, she was taught that emotions were untrustworthy and instead of giving into them, she should just have more faith in God. While I understand the sentiment behind this belief, if left unchecked, it can lead to shutting down, numbing, and turning away from the Lord out of hurt.
A lot of us hesitate being honest with God because we fear His reaction if we were to reveal our deepest doubts and disillusionments.
But what if that is what He wants to hear about the most?
In a previous season, as I was overwhelmed by disappointment, I resorted to cutting off communication with the Lord as a survival tactic. I was too triggered and too hurt to want to hear what He had to say. One morning I admitted to Him, “I think I’m angry with you,” and to my surprise, He responded with, “Finally.”
I had finally reached a point where I could be honest with where I was actually at and not where I felt like I should be. From this place, we could start having a conversation about how to move forward healthily and sustainably.
What I love about honesty is that it can lead to greater intimacy.
We see this all over the Bible - from Jacob to Moses to David to Elijah to Job to Mary and more, but one of my favorite examples of this is in Genesis 32 when Jacob wrestles with God:
“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak…[later] Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, ‘it is because I saw God face to face and yet my life was spared’ (verses 23,30).
The word “face” used here is the Hebrew word פָּנֶה (Paneh). While it literally means “face” it also means “the presence of a person.” It is the same word used in Exodus 33 when, “the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one does a friend” (verse 11).
This is the type of intimacy I am after. Face to face interaction. Friendship. And this depth of relationship begins with the wrestle - the willingness to get honest and vulnerable with the Lord. Having the courage to say “I’m mad” to The One whose first response is always kindness, mercy and compassion.
While this can sometimes feel like an all out brawl, learning how to get honest and vulnerable with the Lord can lead to deeper relationship. To know Him as one does a friend.
However, I know this topic can bring up a lot in people. What happens when we tell the Lord we are mad or sad or hurt and are met with silence or perceived anger/shame/condemnation? What do we do then?
This is something I have experienced and care deeply about so stay tuned for more on this subject. In the meantime, what would it look like to sit with this idea in the week ahead - to get honest with God about where we are actually at and not where we feel like we should be? To tell him the truth and trust that Love will be the response? To engage in the wrestle?
A few weeks later, I found myself back at the dentist for a cleaning, and what do you think was playing? Ding, Ding, Ding—Smackdown again. When I asked the receptionist why it was constantly playing, she simply chuckled and admitted, "honestly, I hadn't even noticed. It's become such a regular part of my day that I hardly realize it's on." May getting honest with the Lord become such a daily reality for us that we don’t even realize it’s weird.
Prompts For Further Processing:
For those that want to go a little deeper with this - create some space to sit with these questions. Grab a journal, laptop or a random piece of paper and record the first thing that comes to mind.
Like my friend asked me, what is one word you would use to describe your relationship with God right now?
Take out a sheet of paper and on one side of it, write a letter to the Lord. “Dear God” and all. Share with Him where you are actually at. What are you sad about? Frustrated with? Disappointed in? What are you excited about? Where is there joy? Lay it all out there.
When you are done, turn the piece of paper over and write a letter in response - from God to you. What does He want to say about all of that? As you do this, write down the first thing that comes to mind and try not to judge it in the moment. Let it be a stream of consciousness as you go. When you are done, read back over the letter.
If you are struggling with this prompt or have more questions about what hearing the voice of the Lord looks like, watch this video.
Once you’re done, reach out to someone you trust and share what came up for you during this time. If nobody comes to mind, please reach out to me! I would love to hear what He had to say and what you are processing.
Housekeeping
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